Cute Baby Snuggles

So many dates are hard after a loss. Anniversaries, birthdays, due dates, holidays, and lots of little reminders can bring on strong emotion unexpectedly. The day before what should have been Toby’s due date, we had some friends come over for dinner. I didn't think about the timing until a couple days before. As we ate I enjoyed watching their three month old wiggle and smile. After I finished eating, I asked if I could hold him. I did not think anything of it when I reached my arms out to pick him up. I greatly underestimated how hard holding him would be. As I stood there rocking him, I went from having a couple tears roll down my cheek, to all out sobbing with snot running down my nose. I was so glad that I had reminded Luke of the date before that moment, so he was able to fill them in.  There was something about feeling his little body nestled against mine and feeling his warmth that brought on a wave of grief that I did not expect. It hit me hard that I would never get to feel that with Toby. I am grateful that I was able to hold him. But he was never warm. He was never big enough to nestle into my neck. The hardest thing about seeing him was watching him change. This is something people don’t tell you about. We got to spend about two hours holding Toby’s tiny body before we put him in his little casket. In that time his body went from being plump and very baby like, to more skin and bones. It was so heartbreaking to watch that change happen so quickly. 

Normally in a moment like that I would have felt so embarrassed that I would have passed the kid off and hide until I could composed myself. With this loss I told myself that I needed to embrace grief this time around. Hiding from it and hiding it from others had only lead me to deeper pain in the last few years. I wanted to be real with my grief. I needed to be real. My friends were compassionate and did not mind me holding their baby even while being a mess. In some ways it was healing to be so messy in front of them. I think the healing part happened because they did not seem freaked out by my sadness. And they did not seem to feel the need to fill the space with words or change the subject. It was a sweet moment despite the pain of it. It was comforting that someone else knew that was a hard weekend for me and to know someone was praying for me. 

I had the opportunity to hold that little cutie again today. I have had the opportunity many times since then, but I didn’t feel like I would be able to without crying again. I was probably right, because holding him again, three months later, brought back all the emotions of losing Toby once again. There is something so sweet about the feel of a baby. I hope one day soon I can enjoy that feeling without sadness to join it. Since that day hasn’t come yet, I wait expectantly for the healing required to make that so.