Back Again

 

My husband asked me a few minutes ago when the last time I wrote a post was. I couldn’t remember exactly, but I knew it’s been several months. He encouraged me to write and even brought me the computer. So here I sit…

I have been silent, somewhat intentionally. This blog is supposed to be encouraging and hopeful and I have been struggling to feel that way the last few months. Not because anything disastrous happened, but because life became more chaotic and fear became a reality once again.

A few weeks ago, I went out with some of my homeschool co-op Mom friends and we all ended up talking about our birth stories. During that discussion I remember thinking to myself “Man, I am really glad I’m not pregnant right now. I don’t have any desire to go through labor again.” I felt relief at the idea that I didn’t have to juggle all the things new (again) parents face and also at the idea that I wouldn’t be faced with another loss.

The next morning that all changed. I had been feeling extra tired for several weeks. I had even taken a pregnancy test a week or two earlier, but it was negative. For some reason, maybe because of the previous night’s conversations, I felt the strong urge to take another test…just to make sure. Well, that pink line showed up almost as soon as my pee hit the well. Queue anxiety! Five kids in, my fears have less to do with providing for their physical needs or getting along. I think the losses we have experienced really just brought one fear to mind: another miscarriage. I cried a lot. Not because I didn’t want the baby, but because I did. I was afraid that my body didn’t know what to do with a baby anymore. That somehow by body would attack any baby that entered my womb. The fear and sorrow was compounded by the fact that this pregnancy is very close to the same timeline of our baby we lost last year. In fact, my first ultrasound was the day before the anniversary of delivering him.

It is amazing how God prepares us though. A week before I found out I was pregnant, a friend of mine asked me if I would pray for her. She was struggling with fear of losing her baby. She said she was struggling to find joy in the pregnancy. I told her something like “Your baby is in your womb right now. No matter what happens, you can celebrate the fact that you are holding your baby right now.” It was kind of an odd thing for me to say. I understand the fear she was facing and it felt like the words came out before I had time to really think about it. My goal was to be encouraging and I think it had its intended effect. Little did I know that those very words would be the words to challenge what I believed and how I would act in response to hearing my own news.

Fear can be strong, but living in fear and stepping out of it is something that we have a surprising amount of control over. I was afraid of losing this baby, I still am. But I refuse to let that be my focus. I chose to tell people and let them get excited. I left out the part about my last two being losses and my fear that this one would be too. That was a hard choice, when all I wanted to scream was “I am so afraid I’m going to lose this baby!!!!” I have noticed the more I let other people share their excitement, the more I feel excited. The more I keep my mind from going down the “what if” rabbit hole, the more peace and calm I feel. And I pray A LOT. When I feel anxious, I pray. I ask God to help in the situation, but I ask more than anything for God to guard my heart. I need His help to keep me from falling apart if my worst fears become reality. I need Him and He is ready and willing to help me through. I know that because He tells me that in the Bible. I also know it because He has…every time I’ve needed Him to. I pray that if you need encouragement and hope, that you find it in the Lord!