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The Gift of the Lesser Pains

  Over the years when sharing painful situations I’ve had people make comments like: “I don’t know how you do it,” “You are so strong,” “God must have known I could never handle xyz,” and many other such comments. I always find it a little awkward to hear things like that. Any resiliency or strength that I posses is not because I’m awesome; it is because of God’s mercy and faithfulness. I am not anything special. The only tangible thing I have is smaller painful experiences. I was talking to my sister today and was reminded of how so many smaller inconveniences, frustrations, and pains have contributed to the faith and hope that I now possess. God has proven Himself faithful over and over again in the “little” hardships of life. Through the years of trials my faith has grown little by little. As odd as it may seem, I can now see that so many of those lesser pains were beautiful gifts from the Lord. Without them I’m not sure I would have been able to handle the more painful things t...
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Back Again

  My husband asked me a few minutes ago when the last time I wrote a post was. I couldn’t remember exactly, but I knew it’s been several months. He encouraged me to write and even brought me the computer. So here I sit… I have been silent, somewhat intentionally. This blog is supposed to be encouraging and hopeful and I have been struggling to feel that way the last few months. Not because anything disastrous happened, but because life became more chaotic and fear became a reality once again. A few weeks ago, I went out with some of my homeschool co-op Mom friends and we all ended up talking about our birth stories. During that discussion I remember thinking to myself “Man, I am really glad I’m not pregnant right now. I don’t have any desire to go through labor again.” I felt relief at the idea that I didn’t have to juggle all the things new (again) parents face and also at the idea that I wouldn’t be faced with another loss. The next morning that all changed. I had been feel...
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Abundantly More

  Aug 5, 2020 Ephesians 3:20 has been a favorite verses for a long time, but have to admit I misused and understood it for years. The cool thing is that God taught me the real meaning through life before I read it with the context in mind. For most of my life I've thought about this verse in terms of the plan for my physical life and the abundance of his provision. I believe that God has a wonderful plan for my life, but I didn’t think about that fact that his plan won’t be complete until Jesus returns. I had a very short minded view of his plan for me. I also thought about the plan for me in isolation from the rest of the world. But his plan is so much bigger and better than that. It’s bigger than me. It’s bigger than you. It’s bigger than the people we love.   When we go back and start reading from verse 14 we can see more of the meaning of verse 20: “When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,   the Creator of everything in heaven and...
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Cute Baby Snuggles

So many dates are hard after a loss. Anniversaries, birthdays, due dates, holidays, and lots of little reminders can bring on strong emotion unexpectedly. The day before what should have been Toby’s due date, we had some friends come over for dinner. I didn't think about the timing until a couple days before. As we ate I enjoyed watching their three month old wiggle and smile. After I finished eating, I asked if I could hold him. I did not think anything of it when I reached my arms out to pick him up. I greatly underestimated how hard holding him would be. As I stood there rocking him, I went from having a couple tears roll down my cheek, to all out sobbing with snot running down my nose. I was so glad that I had reminded Luke of the date before that moment, so he was able to fill them in.  There was something about feeling his little body nestled against mine and feeling his warmth that brought on a wave of grief that I did not expect. It hit me hard that I would never get to fee...
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Can this become good?

     Today is another anniversary. I wondered how I would handle it. The day has been better than I expected.      Romans 8:28 is a challenging and hopeful verse. Knowing that God has a plan for good and that He is in control, while also knowing that bad things will happen is a tough thing to reconcile. There are many things in life that I would not have chosen if I had been given another option. Even if I fully knew God’s plan, I probably would still choose the easier, pain-free route if I could.      Over the years I have had many opportunities to evaluate what I truly believe. I have had to decide if I am going to trust God even when I don’t like it, when I don’t understand, and when I don’t see the bigger picture. I am grateful that I am on the “other side” of many of those struggles and can see at least a glimpse of the good that has come out of those painful experiences.      October 1, 2019 I went to my “8 week” ul...
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Learning to be Weak

     I grew up believing that I needed to be tough. There were a lot of reasons I believed that, but the reason that stands out, is the fact that I grew up around some amazingly resilient people. I wanted to be like them and I think my childish mind interpreted their actions differently than would have been helpful. I thought being tough meant ignore pain and/or not showing it. I thought it meant being “okay” even when I was not. It has taken years for me to really start shedding that unhealthy view of toughness. It is okay to be tough, but it is important to acknowledge our weaknesses and not pretend they are not there. I have missed out on so many opportunities for support and growth by not sharing with others what was going on in my life.      The Bible has a lot to say about the benefits of weakness. Have you ever felt so weak, drained, or discouraged that it was hard to pray? Romans 8:26 says: “…the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know wha...
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“You didn’t listen to me!”

   My Child: “You didn’t listen to me!” Me: “I did listen and I responded.” As I was about to say more to my child, the thought occurred to me once again how much I am like a child. How often do I feel like God is not listening? In that moment as I watched my child storm out of the room, I realized he thought I was not listening, not because he did not hear me, but because I was not handling the situation in the way he wanted me to. How many times have I had the very same thoughts towards God? It feels like God is not listening or like He does not understand or maybe even that he does not care. But He already knew and understood our grievance perfectly before we ever brought it to Him. He knew before it even happened! His “lack of action” does not mean He is not listening, but it could be that His answer is not something I want to hear. His answer could be “no” or “wait” or “I already have.” I need to remind myself of the prayers He has already answered more often. I...
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